Drop It

I've struggle over the last couple of years to let things go. Stuff I've done, places I've been in my thoughts, and recently it's become a real barrier to me in finding my way as a christian. Kind of like every time I pray I get to this part where I want to say sorry, repent or wheter, I guess striving to get there, wherever there is.
The other noight was a bit of a turning point tho. No big bangs or thunderclaps mind you.
I was praying and got to thinking about where I was at and I went to go back to the things I'm hung up about and they weren't there.
All there was was this picture in my mind of me and God walking away and leaving it all behind. It had been dropped. I tried to look at it, visualise it or whatever but all I kept seeing was the backs of me and God walking away. And I realised for the first time in 18 months that God still loves me.

Writing

I've started writing the story behind Christians Brother (my new project). Because the songs are testimonial or autobiographical the story beind it is turning into something of an autobiography and at first is was fun reading as I wrote. Reliving memories and remembering old friends.
This morning I spent some time on my trip to New York just after Dad was killed. It's strange, I thought I'd worked a lot of thinks through in myself but it's had a very softening effect on me. It was painful to go back there, look at the pictures and meet some of the people again.
Painful to look into the future fro that point knowing that as a result of this hundreds of thousands would be killed and that five years on there would be no end in sight.
This week as well we hear that Bush is sending another 21,000 troops to Iraq.
I guess I'm suprised at how much this hits me.

Tell me what I really really want (and it's not a Zigga-zagga)

I often rant about how easy it is to talk about what you supposedly believe as a Christian but putting it into practice is a wee bit different.
What about what we really want? "I want a deeper relationship with God" or I want to be on Fire" or whatever - they are the right things for a Christian to want and i guess a lot of christians would say that kind of thing at sometime in their life. But do you really?

Y'see, at the moment I'm a bit screwed up. 20 years ago I was baptised and i gave litterally everything up to join the church I belong to now. Now, two decades on my commitment isn't what it was. An the guy a church the other sunday said "Do the things you did at first!"
Giving everything up 20 years ago was easy. I didn't have anything, i was homeless and on the run from the police. Sure, i'll give that up. this kingdom life thing looks a load better that what I'm doing.
Shallow?
Maybe, but it's the truth. It's not that I didn't beleive but truth be known, there wasn't that much solidity behind the radial choices I was making.
Now I have things, stuff and a lot of junk. Things I need to give up if I really want the first love for God that I only touched on 20 years ago.
I cleared out a load of music - CD's and Tapes that i had that really are worldly junk. They're sitting at home in 6 carrier bags now, over 300 CD's and tapes. If I don't shift them soon they'll end up back on the shelf.
How much do I want the kingdom? Enough to let a few chunks of flesh life be cut away?